While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
You Might Also Like
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Breaking news:
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.