While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
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If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women