“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Traveler’s camo
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?