While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
She was REALLY feeling it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
3% human
97% stress
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
lmfao come on
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped