@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

@badbanana

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

@JustASmirk

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

@Heatinblack

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.