Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky