*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
You Might Also Like
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”