WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.