Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them