[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.