*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
The government even made aliens boring
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird