*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Optional boss fight.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river