*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.