*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’m being attacked 😭
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Sheep
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first