*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
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We like the way Dwight thinks
oh my gosh!!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.