*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”