[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
You Might Also Like
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority