*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
it is time once again
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home