*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”