White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”