[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
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This week’s mood.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.