White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*