[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
What’s a Messi?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you