[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man