White parent Vs Arab parents
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*limbos away from your hug*
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?