White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.