@curlycomedy

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

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@lisaxy424

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

@PleaseBeGneiss

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

@mortimermaiden

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@BenStJohns

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

@weinerdog4life

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

@iwearaonesie

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”