White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions


[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork


SURGEON: …over that scalpel


Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.


BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.


Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here


If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns


cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless


My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”