white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
You Might Also Like
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Bruh PLEASE
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
What about second breakfast?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*