White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.