white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Ah..makes sense now
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!