@yoyoha

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

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@ArfMeasures

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

@TheRolo

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

@QwertyJones3

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

@VerbsRProudest

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

@ElKnuckelhombre

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@GrillinChillin9

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

@Jake_Vig

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

@Lowenaffchen

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”