white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.