Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”