@crazytraci72

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

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@daemonic3

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

@

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@suntzufuntzu

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@goodgrief_rats

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

@Jimpetuous

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

@Bandersnaaatch

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.