“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
groan^2
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work