“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

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Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.


[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]


Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.


I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience


I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.


I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.


Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.


Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.


Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit