@HomeWithPeanut Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
@crazytraci72 “Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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@HomeWithPeanut 
@daemonic3 WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
@suntzufuntzu “What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
@AmishPornStar1 Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
@goodgrief_rats I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
@Jimpetuous Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
@Bandersnaaatch Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
@Wakenbake77 Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
@Darlainky My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.