Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.