Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You Might Also Like
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?