Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

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Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*


My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!


Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.


Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..


We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.


Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”


NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”