Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”