Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?