genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
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Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”