@XennDad
@weinerdog4life Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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@weinerdog4life 
@WheelTod Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
@Jake_Vig ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
@NewDadNotes [car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
@skickwriter Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
@david8hughes Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
@scootergonscoot windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
@JohnLyonTweets And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
@daemonic3 You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
@samalmightysam -Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.