@XennDad

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

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@weinerdog4life

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

@WheelTod

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@david8hughes

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

@scootergonscoot

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@samalmightysam

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.