who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Thank you corporation very cool
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome