Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.