Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor