@UnFitz

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

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@OwensDamien

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

@Marcmywords2

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

@ohhelloitsmax

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

@Mom_Overboard

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

@HenpeckedHal

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@BillPelicanBros

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

@donni

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment