Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
i spent way too long on this
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“you changed” bro i was 15
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.