Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”