Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…