Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
No way!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.