Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I saw this ending much differently.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.