Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My therapist after every session
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too