Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”