who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
🙂🙃🥹
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
the official breakfast of 2021
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.