Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
seems fine
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.