Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.