Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
You Might Also Like
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day